carissa's.pond.ers

Faith Matters

In just the first 12 chapters of Genesis… my mind is BLOWN by the faith demonstrated by God’s people.  Children’s bible stories tend to become such old news to me, but when I read about Noah and the ark, I couldn’t help but be inspired and impressed at Noah’s obedience and trust.  If I felt like God was telling me to build a boat, chances are I would be like “uhhhh that’s not from God. That is absurd. God is definitely telling me to [insert safe, churchy service project or missions trip here]” And if I were somehow convinced that God was indeed telling me to build a boat, I’m pretty sure I would just sigh and make excuses about how much homework I have and how I really don’t have the money to go buy wood… or power tools.

And then there’s Abram. He was just living his life, and out of nowhere God is like, “yo, Abram. So here’s the deal: I’m going to make you a nation.  You’ll be famous. And you’re going to be blessed, and Ima bless others through you.”  And Abram packs up with his family and goes! Again, if I felt like God was telling me that He desired to do such amazing things through me, I’m pretty sure I would brush it off, thinking I’m not ready. I’m not pure enough, my faith isn’t strong enough, it’ll never work. Right now it is impossible for God to make me a great nation when I’m so… ungreat. I guess that just demonstrates how much more faith and trust we need to have in God.  He is powerful. He can do whatever He wants through who He wants when He wants it done. 

I know this seems like the same mentality of “not having enough faith… yet”, but I pray for more faith. Not just faith to trust that He’ll take care of me, and that He has a plan for me. Enough about me.

I want increased faith that God IS doing things in this world. He hasn’t abandoned the world He created; He is very much alive, and He is working.  It’s all about Him, and I want to go with Him.

I’ve realized that my sob stories probably get really tiring. They’re really pathetic and depressing and pessimistic… until I start pointing out God’s hand in it all.  God provides a hope that I would seriously die without.  I want everything that is said about me not to be a story about me, but a story of how God is working.

Goal: Learn not to make things about me.  Selfish living is dull, disappointing, and unfulfilling.  Learn to find God in every situation.  There’s hope when we see God in the midst of the worldly bull crap. 

It takes me a few days as of now, but I pray to develop the faith that allows me to trust God immediately with all that life throws my way. 

For now, getting to know my Lord and Savior better by pouring through His Word. Schedule hopefully goes like this (if not faster), but we’ll see how it goes. 

• 1048 pages in my NIV. 
• 32 days of AZ vacation @ 20 pages per day = 640 pages
• 63 days of STARS research @ 5 pages per day = 315 pages
• 10 days of break @ 9 pages per day + 3 somewhere = 93 pages

Please pray for my lazy, procrastinating, easily-distracted soul. Prod me about how it’s going. Quiz me on your favorite book.  Tell me about your favorite verse. Heck, join me in reading a few passages. Thanks. :)

Self-induced Drowning.

I’m always drowning. I enjoy the brief gasps of air, and I return to drowning. Then repeat.

The next thing I want to say is “Jesus, I’m begging you to come drag me out of the raging ocean and comfort me and take care of me and make everything peachy.”  It’s a pitifully ugly yet necessary place to be in when I feel like I have nothing and I am a putrid, helpless, tiny krill in the vast ocean. I know in my mind that I need Jesus to be my first priority above all else, but my heart is still loyal to everything on the ocean floor, so I continually dive back in for more.

The ocean floor gets lonely.  The company of the coral and the Nemos in the anemone and the lobsters and the whales trying to eat me never fills the gaping hole. But when I’m stuck down there, I always think of Jesus as being in a boat above the water in a really nice suit that really shouldn’t get messed up by being around water.  And I weep because I feel so terribly alone and like I WANT Jesus to come save me, but He’s too far and too good and I can’t get to him because I ran out of oxygen a long time ago.  There’s no swimming up to the surface for Him to push up His sleeves and then give me a hand into the boat.  

I guess I forgot that two thousand years ago, Jesus threw off his Armani suit and dove into the water, and died on the cross, and He’s been there with me ever since… waiting for me to take His hand and give Him the signal that I’m ready to head back up to the surface.

I wish I were strong enough to take His hand. The ocean is so lonely when I ignore Him.

Companionship Matters

It was never to say that in walking steadfastly with Christ, we would suddenly have no more struggles or temptations. Even after such a blessed weekend of fellowship and feeling so tangibly that I worship a God who is more than I could ever desire, right now I once again feel incredibly lonely, and I want so badly to regress into old comforts. Even though it’s broken, I long for that closeness, understanding, and companionship. 

The funny thing is the old comfort was an imperfect one. One that never fully understood, and at my worst, one I could drain of all patience and tolerance. By no means am I playing the blame game, but only suggesting that worldly comforts are worldly comforts, and they can never fulfill needs that were intended to be filled by a perfect God.  

I guess I should be yearning for the perfect companion, understanding, comfort, and intimacy in Christ. How to do that though… I’m not sure of at all.

Rant.

DISCLAIMER: This is one of those ad hoc rants in hopes of getting all my thoughts and emotions out so that in the future I will be able to remember exactly what was going on at this crucial time in my life. Chances are this post does not make sense or serve any interest to readers other than… well… me. 

I wish I remember last night more vividly because it was a HUGE blessing. All I know is I was horribly frustrated with life and with God, and I had every intention of spending my Friday night out with friends getting drunk out of my mind.  God had other plans for me though.

Somehow I ended up at 5pm bible study, and this was perhaps one of the best times I’ve ever had in terms of understanding the inherent nature of sin… I learned that sin is adultery against God, and the pleasure we gain from sin is just the instant gratification of taking tylenol for a chronic headache when what we REALLY need is for a surgeon to remove the tumor.  Jesus releases us from sin’s prison, and we’re just so comfortable and irrationally content with sin that even when we are given opportunity for truly good things outside of that prison, we all too often prefer to return to that prison even though we have been pardoned… and somehow in that, God put this crazy thought in my head that I just couldn’t shake: I need to know God more.  To truly desire to escape the prison, I must KNOW the character of the holy alternative.  (Then comes the insane part) I need to read through the entire Bible this summer. 

Now, I say this is because I am TERRIBLE at reading, and the Bible is LONG. Around 1 am, brotha P (who I am SO thankful for) encouraged me, pointing out that most people would LOVE to be convicted to read the entire Bible, but that kind of motivation is lacking.  So we’re praying through this that God will sustain me, because there is obviously NO FRICKEN WAY I can read through the entire Bible of my own accord and perseverance.  I NEED holy anointing for this task.  

During Bible study we also just had an amazing time of prayer and encouragement between Tiyhannah, Amanda, Micah, and me that I am super thankful for.  Hopefully I can continue to grow closer to them as we pursue the Lord.  Immediately after at Rooted was also such a blessing (I am COMPLETELY overusing that phrase… but I honestly do feel so blessed. haha) I just felt a lot of godly love and support from everyone I came in contact with… Quincy from P-ton was guest speaking, and as more reflection with Paul in the late hours of the night revealed, God was delivering words for me through that message… The message basically went down like this:

1.) God uses trials to draw us closer to Him. 

2.) We must sacrifice what is dearest to us, rebuild our altars, put things in order, prepare something for God to work with, and trust that He will return what we sacrificed when we are ready for it.  

3.) It’s hard for God to move through us when our hearts are bitter about the sacrifice

4.) Once the sacrifice is on the altar, God can start a fire and put His plan into action

Rooted just helped me to see overall that… God IS working, there IS growth, and my skepticism was wrong. Okay, now I REALLY sound like a broken record, but I am SOOOO thankful for Paul’s ability to provide me with clarity in these situations I see, but don’t completely realize.  Together, we basically created a map of what we think God is laying out for me right now.  We could be completely wrong, but hopefully if that’s the case, God will steer me in the right direction.  It just seemed SO clear, though, that this was the case:

God is going to unleash revival on Yale’s campus.  He brought me to Yale to be a part of that however He desires. God absolutely BROKE me down this year between circumstances with my suite, my boyfriend, and my own insecurities to bring me to His feet… and to bring me to the realization that until I put all my stock in my relationship with God, I will always be lonely and unfulfilled and without purpose or meaning.  I’m a PL (basically a mentor for freshmen) next year, and I, by seriously some obnoxiously miraculous occurrence, will be living in a suite with a classmate that really needs a sister in Christ for accountability right now.  God wants to build me up in Him this summer (…..maybe by READING THE ENTIRE BIBLE?) so that I will be better equipped to serve Him and be used by Him when school starts in the fall.  It also seemed clear that, only God knows WHEN, but that the sacrifice would be returned to me.  Or we wouldn’t be going through such difficulty with each other now. It would have just… crashed and burned. 

I can’t pretend that today wasn’t a little unsettling seeing brokeness and pain in the ones who I care about the most, but I’m trusting and praying that they will experience God’s joy, peace, and comfort.

For the next two weeks…. I somehow, with God’s help, manage to finish all my term papers and exams… all the while still learning to love my God more and more. I’m excited to take on this adventure with Him. Bring it on.

Everything is meaningless.

Nothing in this world satisfies; nothing is good under the sun - and that is frustrating. Basically sitting at my desk right now pretending I’m King Solomon. 

“Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, ‘I find no pleasure in them’ ” Ecclesiastes 12:1

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever COMPLETELY trusted God with my entire life.  Nor have I ever truly considered Him my BEST AND MOST RELIABLE FRIEND.  I don’t know if that’s ever perfectly attainable, but rather just part of the growing relationship with Christ.  We don’t have to achieve complete and perfect faith before we run the race marked out for us… we CAN’T wait to move on with our lives until we achieve that perfect place with God… because if we wait for that moment, we’ll never even leave the starting gate.

“Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith” -Hebrews 12:1-2

We have to keep moving… we can’t run the other way, and we can’t hide and wait for the storm to pass.  No, every loss, every victory, every relationship, every circumstance, and every moment must be lived running the race with Christ - who will perfect our faith along the way.

Lord, help me to run after You because You ARE Lord. Not because it alleviates tensions, looks good on paper, or renders me blessings, but simply because You are Lord, I love You, and I desire to go with You. 

“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” -Matthew 6:33

Okay, there’s no smooth transition, but God, help me to prioritize You first, and trust You to take care of whatever you will give and take from me because You love me and know what is best for me.