“In the beginning, You laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of Your hands. They will parish, but You remain; they will all wear out like a garment. Like clothing You will change them, and they will be discarded. But You remain the same, and Your years will never end.” -Psalm 102:25-27
God, help me to prioritize You as if You are the only good and lasting thing in the universe… because You are.
I realized my last post ended on rather a discouraging note, but that’s where I was in life. I just got back from NW’s winter camp, though, and I’m so thankful that God led me up to Prescott this weekend. Not only was I able to encourage the youth, lead worship, and reunite with my church family, but I was able to reconcile my main qualm with God: accepting His love.
The first thing Steve had us do in Session 1 was compile a list of answers to the question, “How do I see myself?”. My thematically prevailing answers were tainted, flawed, and unworthy. For months I’ve been struggling with not feeling worthy enough to serve God, be God’s, or receive God’s love, but in Session 2, this remarkably simplistic drawing helped me to finally understand the head knowledge that Jesus forgives our sins and makes us clean: a stick figure of Jesus holding stick-figure me and walking with me to influence me and change me into a more pure and holy person. (recreated in my notebook from a whiteboard drawing)
In the words of my paraphrased notes: “We’re still going to mess up. The difference is that we’re not alone in our screw ups. Jesus says. ‘I’m going to help you fix these sins and change you into something better… so that you become pure and holy.’ “
……..and I can’t let Jesus change me if I’m constantly running away from Him because I don’t feel worthy. It’s time to accept that God loves me and has declared me as his righteous child. It’s disrespectful and haughty of me to say that God is wrong about me - that I’m not clean enough. To say that is to say Jesus’ sacrifice was not enough - that the Lamb dying for me was useless. And let’s be real: that’s not true. Jesus’ death on the cross WAS, AND IS, AND ALWAYS WILL BE ENOUGH. That kind of love… I’m still praying I will be able to understand, but I think I’m ready to accept it and love Him back.
“People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God - having a form of godliness but denying its power” -2 Timothy 3:2-5
…I’ve come to the dreadful realization that these verses are all-encompassing of who I am. Lord, take this heart of stone and make it Yours.
Where was this song all my life?
So many of my peers and I have been blessed with the opportunity to serve the Karen refugees from Burma who live at an apartment complex in Phoenix, and through my experiences with the refugees there, God has led me to cofound an organization at Yale to better serve Karen refugees’ needs (primarily for educational and employment assistance).
Two other Yale students on board for this project are particularly interested in raising awareness as to the situation for Karen who are internally displaced in Burma, and one sent me the link to this video. Honestly, I nearly had an aversion to “awareness raising” type of work prior to watching The Road, because it seemed so meaningless and passive, but after seeing this 40-minute documentary, I realized that despite spending 4 years with the Karen refugees in America, I never truly understood what they had been through, nor did I understand how severe the situation still is in Burma today, and how the rest of the Karen people are suffering and need external support if they want to escape human extermination by the Burmese military.
I realize 40 minutes is a long time, but please, set aside some time to watch this video. I can’t guarantee you won’t be disappointed, because I was. I was disappointed to learn that I, along with the rest of the world, is allowing human beings to have their homes ransacked, invaded, and destroyed, while the human beings (actual PEOPLE. like you and me…) themselves are raped, slaughtered, and murdered. I can guarantee, though, that I can’t sit idly by anymore. This breaks my heart. Click the link to “The Road”. Do it.
Well, first post of college, here goes. It’s pretty long-winded, and honestly, more for me than you, so I’m sorry some parts are extremely tangential. If you get through it, hopefully it proves to be a pleasant experience though. :)
Yale has been interesting. To abridge the only two journal entries I’ve made, I met an amazing guy named Jason who pushes me to spend more time in God’s Word and pushes me to worship alongside him… even and especially when I’m in those states of running away from God.
Now, for an anecdote about this past Friday. I’ve been attending this Friday night session ran by Yale Faith in Action, and basically it’s just a few hours of worship, a testimony, and a message with some fellowship afterwards. Admittedly, this setting isn’t exactly what I consider ideal - I truly miss my NWCBC family and crash group. Clarisse, Lisa, Cindy, Amy, Sarah, Vicki, Ashley, Rachel, Morganne… I’m talking to you. There was such openness, comfort, trust, unity, and accountability in that group, even if it doesn’t always seem like it. Don’t get me wrong, YFA people are great, we just aren’t as close, nor have we gone through as many experiences together as with my NW family.
In any case, the secret got out that I used to lead worship at NW YG, and YFA’s leader, Chad, enlisted me to be on Jason’s worship team. This Friday in particular I did NOT want to be in front of a crowd where I’m supposed to be worshipping God, because quite frankly, I just didn’t feel like acknowledging God’s existence. I had too much homework, Jason and I were in a state of argumentation, and the last thing I wanted to do was lug my guitar up 4 flights of stairs.
Without blatantly telling me anything besides “It’s fine if you can’t come. Just try to be here as much as possible,” Jason basically forced me to be on worship team by means of telepathically suggesting I need to fulfill my responsibilities. With that, I went to practice, arrived a few minutes early, and decided I’d might as well worship in the right state of mind. I prayed and started reading a random chapter of a random book in the Bible I opened to on my phone app. I ended up in 2 Peter 1. [Optional Interjection (feel free to skip to next paragraph): Countless example #7423 (approx) of God leading me to read a passage/song that is immediately afterwards preached/sang where ever I happen to be] This obviously came back to surprise me in a really unsurprising way several hours later when Chad preached about this very passage. Go figure. Maybe God does this to me so I can internalize beforehand and actually accept someone else’s additional input. I’m so headstrong… I guess I need to discover things for myself, otherwise I’m just like “I’ve heard this before. I’m bored. I DON’T CARE!”]
Anyways, 2 Peter 1:3-4 goes something like this:
“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.”
This just made me realize how ridiculous it is that I get angry at myself for not being godly enough. WE DON’T NEED TO MAKE OURSELVES GODLY. By accepting Jesus’s sacrifice, His divine power already set everything out so that we can be godly. It’s completely pointless for me to try my ass off and continually fail to prepare myself for Heaven or “participating in divine nature” (anything where I am in the presence of God, serving God, or praising God). JESUS ALREADY MADE IT POSSIBLE. There’s no reason for me to open a door that is already open. All I need to do is walk in and serve/praise God.
I thought that was all, but the next few verses are so legit too:
“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindless, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.” 2 Peter 1:5-9
This totally just seals the deal for me. Peter straight up tells us HOW we can be effective and productive in Christ. Does it get any easier? And the last sentence really just reminds me of myself: when I beat myself up about not having more self-control, perseverance, kindness, etc, I’ve forgotten that I AM CLEAN. Jesus made me clean. All I need to do is remember Jesus’s death on the cross.
In order to curb a potentially infinite rant, I’ll wrap it up now. Leading worship with Jason on Friday night was great… we were able to serenade the King of the Universe, and I was able to worship with free abandon alongside my boyfriend. Now, that’s the kind of relationship I’ve been yearning for. haha.
Scene: It’s raining.
And by raining, I mean the skies over Arizona are hurling one hydrogen and two oxygens toward the earth at a 200-degree angle, and the wind is blowing at approximately 85 mph (an illegal speed in an automobile, and quite possibly an exaggerated numerical value). Thunder more resonant than ASU’s Lupe Fiasco/Jason Derulo concert last night just made me cower into the fetal position, and I’m still convinced that the rain is going to break my bedroom window.
STORY: Since it’s my last night in AZ, I strolled over to my window to watch the storm unfold. After my eyes adjusted to the view of water streaming down glass, I watched in horror as the plants in my backyard were furiously abused by the wind and rain. My initial reaction was “Oh sh**… the trees are going to snap in half and fall over any second….”, I was reminded of a chorus we used to sing at NW:
“I want to be unmovable, unshakeable. Let my roots go down deep. Unmovable, unshakeable in You. And I, I want to be like a tree planted by the streams of living water.”
I decided I want to stand strong in God as the trees in my backyard stand strong in their roots: swaying, but never unearthed by the wind and rain.
Further into my muse, branches begin to break from the tree, and fall to the ground to die. I thought perhaps, in a metaphorical sense, trees are replicas of ourselves as human beings – each is designed so intricately and individually by God… and as much as I want to believe, trees are not completely invincible. Sometimes the sun shines, and we grow. Sometimes the sun shines too much, followed by a drought, and we wither.
And sometimes God pours down a storm upon us. It’s brutal, and there is pain. Parts of us are broken off, and we lose those branches forever; they fall to the ground to die. But maybe, just maybe, those branches we lose are saplings – detrimental growths, habits, or people - that prevent us from growing upward… upward toward the heavens and toward our Heavenly Father.
Maybe the storms in our lives are necessary to cast off hindrances and enable ourselves to grow closer to God. Time to go play in the rain. =)
So here goes the 1st full day of YSMP 2011. I was supposed to go, but I stayed back because I felt like I had to find God and make some sort of decision before letting myself get busy or forget what He had spoken to me at Youth Camp. I was under the impression that I had forsaken God and given up on faith long ago.
To be brutally honest, the last few weeks I’ve felt purposeless, unloved, insignificant, alone, and angry at the world and God. My perspective has been that nothing is true, and nothing is of any worth in my life or in this world. Initially, this outlook terrified me, because God was not excluded from my hate list.
Slowly but surely, though, He began to nudge His truths into my mind: I am not of this world. My perspective is ABSOLUTELY right! Everything in this world is meaningless, and when I focus on things of this world while casting God aside, I truly am purposeless, unloved, insignificant, and alone. I am so thankful for a brother in Christ that was able to encourage me at the YSMP pre-rally on Friday. He assured me that he too had been through this “I give up. I’m done with God.” phase, and his advice continues to resonate in my head - “Choose God first… over everything else. No matter what.”
After mulling over my friend’s words and sifting through “The Case for Faith” at Berean Christian Bookstore (I had a gift card I felt I just HAD to use today), I am comforted in knowing that “faith” is not destroyed by doubting God. ”Faith” is destroyed by the mental choice not to believe in Him. Though admittedly, I think along the road I did completely give up faith, I’m ready to have faith in my Father again.
So here’s my decision: I’m ready to willfully choose God first… over everything else. No matter what. Even if it doesn’t make any sense at the time. I have faith that God is the only good thing, and in choosing Him, I cannot go wrong.
With the gift card I just HAD to spend, I bought “Welcome to College” by Jonathan Morrow. I’m excited to delve in and hopefully gain some insight on how to keep growing in faith during college.
Lord, I ask Your forgiveness for all the times I ran away from You, and I thank You and praise You for always taking back Your children regardless of how badly we screw up. I want to fall madly, deeply, and passionately in love with You. I pray that You continue to mould my heart into whatever You will for it to be. God, take away any foothold Satan has over me, and replace his lies with Your truth. You are the only true thing I have to hold onto Lord; help me to always believe and remember that. I pray all of this in Your Son’s most precious and holy name. Amen.
This week I asked a friend for prayer. I didn’t really approach him with a specific prayer request in mind, just a story about how I stepped out in faith, it didn’t work out, I hurt many and broke friendships, and I’ve never been able to completely trust God since then (and deep down, I was probably angry at God too). I expressed to my friend that I had absolutely no idea how to get back to a place of faith with free abandon. As he prayed for me, I found it strange that he didn’t pray exactly for the issue I presented to him (no “God, please mend these relationships” and no “God, please heal their pain”. Instead, he asked God to give me the wisdom to see past the lies being fed to me that He is not worthy of my trust.
During this prayer, I realized the real road block isn’t some two-year-old issue with people who already forgave and forgot; the only thing hindering me from trusting and loving my God is my own heart and mindset.
As a junior higher and underclassmen in high school, I accepted God’s Word as true. I believed every ounce of ink in the Bible down to the punctuation marks, and my biggest struggle was forgiving that girl for spreading rumors or trying to obey my mother by getting home before curfew.
Now………. Well, now it’s different. I have unknowingly adopted a new methodology to life. I read a novel, dissect the plot, make an inference, write an essay. I observe a problem, predict an outcome, perform the experiment, collect some data, analyze the results, reach a conclusion. I follow the archetype. Honestly, I’ve become enamored with the archetype. It’s reliable. I can trust the results to be true because the exploration is entirely my own. I trust myself. It’s safe. Sometimes I thank God for my fascination with questioning, analyzing, and debunking the world around me.
…And sometimes I cannot help but think my pragmatic reasoning impedes, and ultimately destroys, any inkling of faith I have left.
Sure, AP English, Physics, History, and Calculus beget high SAT scores, college acceptances, and a sense of independence, but I cannot escape the AP-brainwashing I’ve undergone:
do not accept any statement as truth until you can prove it for yourself to be true.
When someone says “It’s okay to mess up, Jesus is still there; you just have to seek Him,” when I read ” ‘Because he loves me,’ says the Lord, ‘I will rescue him. I will protect him for he acknowledges my name’ ” (Psalm 91:14), as much as I want to, my mind will not let me accept these truths without skepticism. And because I’m skeptical, I test these things without faith, and my conclusions all too often suggest these things are empty truths.
My prayer is that I can reconcile my academia with my faith. My prayer is that I will once again learn to wholeheartedly love and trust the One and Only Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
“Who am I…
That the eyes that see my sin would look on me with love and watch me rise again?
Who am I…
That the voice that calmed the sea would call out through the rain and calm the storm in me?” (Casting Crowns)
I wish I understood this whole concept of a God loving me despite how much I wrong Him.
